Relationships: Do Relationships Allow Someone To Come Into Contact With Their Unconscious Mind ?

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Human beings have both a conscious and an unconscious mind; however, the latter is largely overlooked. Not only does mainstream society ignore this mind but a lot of people in the helping professions, those who are doing what they can to help peoples “mental health”, also do the same thing.
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Although this is not much of a surprise when it comes to society, considering how extroverted it generally is and self-awareness is not encouraged, it could be seen as being a surprise when so many experts are the same. At the same time, a society that very much lives on the surface is naturally going to produce both therapies that lack depth and people that are happy to practice them.

Two Parts

When it comes to someone’s unconscious mind, this part of them will contain their “negative” feelings and the parts of themselves that they deem as being bad, among other things. By having these aspects held in this part of their being, their conscious mind will rarely, if ever, have to come into contact with them.

So, in the same way, that someone can put the items that they don’t like up in their attic and then forget all about them, the same thing will take place internally. Their inner attic, then, will allow them to remove the parts of themselves that they don’t like and then to forget that they have removed these parts.

A Vital Job

Undoubtedly, if one didn’t have this ability and they had to literally bathe in their inner pain, they would soon end up being wiped out. With this in mind, having the ability to remove pain from their conscious awareness is essential.

Nonetheless, while their conscious mind will lose touch with feelings and parts of themselves that are problematic, this inner material won’t simply be stored away like items in an attic and not bother them. No, this inner material will, from behind the scenes, be pulling the strings of their life.

One Part

What is held in their unconscious mind will have a big effect on what they are resonating or the vibration they are giving off. They, like everyone and everything on this planet, are made up of vibrating energy, and, in order for them to experience something, they will need to be vibrating at the right frequency.

This is not the law of attraction; this is the law of resonance, which is a quantum physics law. Therefore, someone can have all the right thoughts and feelings in their conscious mind but if their unconscious mind is filled with junk, they might not get very far.

Another Part

Along with this, and this is due to parts of them being an energetic match, they will come into contact with people who embody the parts of themselves that they have lost touch with. There will also be moments when one will project parts of themselves into people who don’t actually possess what they see in them.

Nonetheless, as their mind will be completely convinced by what their five senses tell them, they won’t be able to realise what is going on. If they were told that what they see is a reflection of their own consciousness, it would probably be the equivalent of trying to convince them that the moon is made of cheese.

A Long List

If they were able to take a step back and reflect on their relationships, they may see that they continually come into contact with the same type of people. When it comes to what irritates them about others, a number of things could come to mind.

For example, they could find that they often end up with people who are selfish, have anger problems and have a strong need for attention. One could see these people are being the complete opposite of them.

The Mirror

Now, if they were to pretend that these are not separate beings but are, instead, an expression of the part of themselves that they are estranged from, it would give them the opportunity to do what they need to do to gradually integrate their “shadow side”. By seeing their relationships in a more symbolic manner, they will no longer need to be caught up in what is going on.

And by looking into what parts of themselves they need to bring to the light of their own consciousness and to acknowledge, they can start to transmute their “negative” aspects. The parts of themselves that are seen as being bad can then change expression and this energy can be used creatively and to enhance their life.

Self-Love

This is not about one laying into themselves; it is a time for them to be kind and compassionate towards themselves. The truth is that they didn’t repress these parts of themselves because they are weak, bad or incapable; they did it because it was too painful for them to face them.

Furthermore, when they get in touch with the parts of themselves that they see as being bad and shameful, it will be important for them to keep in mind that this is just their dual ego-mind making a judgment. Ultimately, what is taking place inside them just is – it is neither good nor bad.

Awareness

If one finds it hard to do this work by themselves, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour,

Understand and Communicate Your Feelings

Feelings can be elusive or overwhelming, so knowing what you feel is not always easy. When you understand your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions will improve your relationships, because understanding yourself makes it easier to communicate with others. Seek to understand what you feel, how much of it is related to the present moment, current events, your physical state, and how much is related to your personal history. Caring about what you feel and knowing more about it actually makes you more compassionate, empathetic, and caring toward others. Awareness and understanding of your own feelings also means you’ll be much more intelligent about others’ feelings-that is, you’ll have the wisdom of your own feelings to help you sort out when others’ feelings are real or deceptive.

If you’re upset, confused or feeling emotionally overwhelmed, knowing how to sort out your feelings can help you figure out what’s going on inside and help you get what you want and need.

Notice your feelings. Are you anxious, tense, or worried about something? Are you calm? Focus on your breathing and feel the body sensations that go with it-the cool air coming in, the rhythm of your lungs expanding and deflating. If you pay attention to your breathing for a little while, it helps you be more aware of your feelings. Are you reacting emotionally to your surroundings? If it’s noisy, are you annoyed? If it’s too quiet, are you uneasy? If you’re warm and comfy, do you feel peaceful and soothed? It’s usually easier to feel feelings if you give them a little time to rise to the surface and if you’re in a place where you won’t be disturbed, but they are moving through you every moment of every day. When you take the time to notice them, you can often use that information to help you handle situations wisely.

Whether you realize it or not, there is a lot of chatter going on in your mind. At this moment, you may be arguing or agreeing with what you’re reading, or commenting on whether you think this is helpful, or criticizing or worrying about whether you’re doing it correctly. Bits of songs, movie or TV dialogue, or conversations from other times and places may be running by like a background soundtrack. Sit and listen for a few moments, and try to identify each thought that goes by. With a little practice, you’ll become aware of a “soundtrack” composed of memories, thoughts, criticisms, background noise, TV, music, movies, the news, and other noises you’ve recorded in your lifetime.

If you practice this awareness of your inner thoughts and feelings, you’ll soon be able to quickly sort out what’s going on with you, and, if you do it repeatedly over several days, you’ll find that your self-knowledge grows rapidly. After a few weeks, you’ll be much more aware of your own body, your feelings, and your thoughts. Once aware, you have a chance to manage and/or change them to be more effective for you. Accurate awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and actions is the key to understanding and communicating them.

Being curious about your emotions and thoughts will lead you to understanding and to explanations of things that, until now, have been mystifying. What’s underneath your depression, your anxiety, your impulsive behaviors, your out-of-control emotions? Getting interested in what you think and feel, as you would be in what is going on with your friend, your spouse, or your children will help you improve your relationship with yourself and with others.

Your own emotions tell you what others’ feelings are. We can sense how someone feels without being told. By comparing what our other senses tell us about others (smiles, frowns, tension, “prickly vibes,” relaxed breathing, and an indescribable type of data we call empathy) with what we know about our own inner feelings, we draw conclusions about what other people are feeling. Without being told, we know when someone is angry, when someone has strong positive or negative feelings toward us, and when we are loved. Understanding gives us something to communicate.

Here’s how to open up communication with another person:

1. Don’t talk, listen. Some people are less verbal than others, and when we get nervous, we verbal ones tend to talk and talk. Resist the impulse to take over the conversation, and give the other person time to talk.

2. Don’t be worried about a little silence: give the other person a chance fill it.

3. When you do talk, end your (brief) story with a question: “What do you think? or Was it like that for you?” That invites the other person to answer.

4. Treat the conversation like a tennis match: say something, then give the other person a chance to respond… take your time.

5. No complaining count your blessings, and say positive things. Everyone responds better to that.

What Is a Dysfunctional Relationship?

Unless you’re completely out of touch with any media, written, audio or video, you have been bombarded with words like “dysfunctional relationship”, “codependency” and “toxic family system”. You may have noticed that there’s a lot of information available about these relationships, but not too much about what to do about them. This month, I thought I’d give a brief overview of the various terms and what they mean, plus a guide about the difference between these relationships and healthy ones.

Dysfunctional Relationships are relationships that do not perform their appropriate function; that is, they do not emotionally support the participants, foster communication among them, appropriately challenge them, or prepare or fortify them for life in the larger world.

Codependency means that one or both people in a relationship are making the relationship more important than they are to themselves. A classic codependent is hopelessly entangled with a partner who is out of control through alcoholism, addiction or violent behavior; but the term has been more recently used to mean anyone who feel dependent, helpless and out of control in a relationship; or unable to leave an unsatisfying or abusive one.

Toxic Family Systems are relationships (beginning with childhood families, and carried into adulthood) that are mentally, emotionally or physically harmful to some or all of the participants. Codependent relationships can also be toxic relationships, although the term “toxic” is usually used to mean the more abusive varieties.

In short, all three of these terms refer to relationships that contain unhealthy interaction, and do not effectively enhance the lives of the people involved. People in these relationships are not taking responsibility for making their own lives or the relationship work.

The degree of dysfunction, codependency or toxicity in relationships can vary. Most of us get a little dependent, and therefore dysfunctional, from time to time — especially when we’re tired, stressed, or otherwise overloaded. What makes the difference between this normal, occasional human frailty and true clinical dysfunction is our ability to recognize, confront and correct dysfunction when it happens in our relationships.

The question to keep in mind is: what is not working, and how can we make it work? Most people, when faced with a relationship problem or disagreement, reflexively begin to look for a villain; that is, they want to know who’s at fault. Responding to a problem by looking for someone to blame (even if it’s yourself) is a dysfunctional response. The functional question is not, “Whose fault is it?” but “What can we do to solve the problem?”

When you try it, you’ll see that refusing to focus on blaming anyone (yourself or your partner), and instead insisting on solving the problem, will make a huge difference in all your relationships. Families who sit down together, in a family meeting, where everyone, including small children, gets to discuss the problem from their point of view, and everyone works together to solve the problem, become functional rapidly.

Couples who can sit down together and discuss problems calmly, without blaming, criticizing and accusing, find that looking for a mutual solution to their problems increases their commitment, their intimacy and bonds them together. Nothing binds you in relationship more powerfully than the awareness that by working together, you can solve whatever problems arise.

No relationship will be perfect; and how to successfully interact your lover cannot be worked out in advance. Yes, you can learn basic communication techniques, build your self-esteem, and develop patterns for healthy, equal, balanced loving before you get together — and all of these will make your relationship, when you do find it, much more successful. But, because you are unique, and so is your partner, what works for the two of you must be developed on-the-spot. The only way I know to do this is through experience, communication and negotiation.

If you understand that your relationship, to be successful, must be healthy and satisfying for both you and your partner, you will also understand that codependently putting your partners feelings, needs and wants before your own is as harmful as compulsively putting your wants, needs and feelings before your lover’s.

Through focusing on solving issues and problems together, through honest and open communication, you can learn to achieve a balance. That is, you can work together to make sure both of you get your needs and wants met, and you can both care equally about your mutual satisfaction, health and happiness.

Any other definition of love tends to degenerate into dysfunction and codependency, and will become toxic to you and your lover. Finding out if solutions are mutually satisfactory is easy– you ask each other how it feels and whether it’s working. Beginning your relationship with this idea in mind, or renewing an existing relationship on this basis, is much easier and more pleasant than you may believe. I invite you to consciously move your focus from who’s at fault to what will fix the problem, and to increase the mutuality and communication in your relationship, and watch whatever dysfunctional interaction you have, whether mild or severe, be significantly reduced. You can do this with relationships at home, with your parents, your children, your siblings, and even with friends and co-workers.

 What Can Someone Do If Another Person Is Triggered?

Whether one is at university, reading a self-development book, or talking to a friend about what has been taking place in their life, there is a phrase that they could end up hearing. The words that come before or after it could be different but there will be one word that is the same.

This could be a time when they will hear the word ‘trigger’ or ‘triggered’ at least once. Before this word become part of some people’s everyday vocabulary, it was generally only heard in a certain context.

The Meaning

So when it is said in today’s world, it usually denotes that someone has heard, read or seen something that has brought about a strong reaction in them. After they came across something externally, they would have experienced something internally.

What they experienced internally wouldn’t have been pleasant though, as their inner world have been flooded with unpleasant thoughts, feelings, sensations and even memories. As a result of what took place internally, there would have been what happened after.

Two Sides

Through experiencing a strong reaction, they may have ended up becoming really angry and even aggression. If this took place, it could be said that one will have gone in to the fight response.

If one didn’t respond in this way and just got away from where they were, it could show that they had gone into the flight response. Regardless of whether the former or the latter took place, it would have taken place instinctively.

Another Outcome

If either of these responses were not utilised, it could mean that one ended up just freezing and not doing anything for a while. Just as with the responses above, their thinking brain would have gone offline and their reptile brain would have taken over.

Now, if one froze it is unlikely that anyone else ended up paying the price for what they were going through. On the other hand, if they went into flight or fight mode, this might not have been the case.

For Example

If one went into flight mode, they may have ended up walking away from something important. This may have been a meeting or it could have been a get together with a friend.

Whereas if one went into fight mode, they may have ended up losing all control and even becoming violent. As was the case above, this may also have been a meeting or a get together with a friend.

A New Response

If one was to do this once it could cause them problems but, if they were to behave in this way on a regular basis, it could have a massive effect on their life. In a situation like this, the ideal might be for them to reach out for external support.

By doing this, it would give them the chance to look into what is taking place inside them and to start to heal their inner wounds. This will stop them from being triggered as much and make it easier for them to operate as a whole human being

The Other Side

When one person is triggered, this will most likely have an impact on someone else. If one ends up experiencing a strong reaction and their behaviour completely changes, the other person might find it hard to understand what is going on.

Even though they may have said or done something that was pretty innocuous, it could seem as though they have said or done something bad to this person. If they are not in a state of confusion, they could end up getting worked up.

An Important Point

What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that when another person has been triggered, their ability to think rationally will have probably gone out of the window. Thus, this person’s behaviour won’t be a reflection of who they truly are.

They will be saying and/or doing things, but it will be as though something else has taken over their being. Taking all this into account, there will be no need for one to take what is said or done personally.

In The Moment

If one is aware of this when they are in the presence of someone who has been triggered, it can take away their confusion. It might even stop them from getting angry, if they have got to this point.

The trouble with getting angry and going down to the same level as the person who has been triggered is that it can make it harder for the other person to snap out of the state that they are in. This will be like trying to put a fire out by pouring petrol on it.

The Power of Presence

Perhaps the best thing that one can do is to do what they can to stay in the moment and not to get sucked into what is taking place. The easiest thing would be for them to react – staying centred will be a lot harder.

After all, they are a human being too, and this means that they will also have their own wounds that can come to the surface doing such moments as these. When these are triggered, it will make it a lot harder for them to be in the moment and not to react.

Awareness

If one is present and they can stay connected to their heart, they won’t add any more fuel to a fire that is already blazing. When one is present and connected to their heart, they are more likely to know what to do.

There are two things that one can do that will allow them to respond in this way; the first is to work through their inner wounds and second is to meditate. When it comes to healing inner wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.

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